I don't know where I'm going just yet..but I really should give some kind of account before I run away :P...

My friend commented yesterday that I seemed to be moving further and further away from her..first downtown toronto, then westen and now either vancouver or china

i'm only starting to meet up with my friends here to tell them that i'll be going for the forseeable future...whether months or years...i'm not really sure....and why

this all seems a little unreal to me
(i lost this library book 'regarding the pain of others' -susan sontag; and i just found it last night :)! it was weighing on me quite a lot ><..so hallelujah :)...)
one part in 'regarding the pain of others' is where victims of a (national) trauma say of the experience in the past that 'it was like a dream' and now they say 'it was like a movie'

for me..it seems as if this is 'happening' to someone else and i only cry intermittently because this person's pain is so overwheming

i never know what to say when someone say's they're sorry... i normally go with 'yah..' and switch topic

i'm grateful for their sympathy as well as the hugs..for some reason it really helps



so i shared about it at sanctuary this past sunday
when greg asked me how i was as i came in..i wanted to answer
march-april had been difficult
i was wondering if it was the worst period of my life - to go from the responsibility of visiting someone - fast becoming burdensome because i was distracted with the potential club (anti-trafficking), club events, school, to news that i wasnt qualified for the job i wanted, to news of my dad's terminal stomach cancer, to extreme emotional separation to extreme pain (the worst so far in my life ne ways)

and i could honestly say no

i thought back to first year and the conditions around me weren't so bad by far, but there was this open wound inside me that would not be comforted
for that period..even in the worst of the pain..tho i wondered for a moment whether God hated me..i knew it wasn't true.. but that i am loved

Christ really lives in me, it is He who perseveres
through the pain, confusion and sadness

i was prayed for at sanctuary, it was so strange that they were sending me off when i had only just come back
when i said that it was home..i meant it
God is with them, just as God is with Pam and Roger and Naz
and home is what i carry with me

so in terms of concrete plans...i'll be going to china on may 19th if my dad isn't back in vancouver yet