i can't seem to stop crying today

but as a day begins with the night before i'll start there

i watched ' the orphange ' directed by the same guy who did ' pan's labryith '

as i sat there knitting apprehensive about watching a horror movie i wondered if it was really worth my time
whether this will affect me atall
it did - in a very visceral way - the ending was a creepy sort of serene but that didn't make it any less disturbing

i had come home yesterday alone - having spent what i thought was a successful morning running administrative errands - for a final product i'm hoping to yield to my step-mother... things happened in the summer that are perhaps too large to get into now - too much out of my conscious world

then i spent the afternoon rock climbing with a friend and had dinner with said friend

when i got home my mum was already asleep - since it was only 8 i figured the movie wasn't too bad an idea
near the end of it i realized what i was knitting ..i didn't like..
and even though i was nearly finished, i pulled at the yarn and the whole thing was undone

this didn't seem so difficult..i've wasted time working on something else before only to find that it was just not right
well..who knows..perhaps that was the theme of the day.."time wasted"

i went to sleep and woke up alone...went straight to what i thought would be the final step in this administrative thing...and found out that perhaps everything i had done so far was useless

and somehow it hurt

yesterday i had broken my cellphone in 3 pieces and thought it a goner...it didn't bug me much..not the prospect of replacement or lack of communication - it was fixed though, thank God :)...

this administrative thing was to legalize a death certificate, my father's
for my step mom in china to do something

when i got to the counter at the chinese embassy after an hour of waiting in line (the second time i've done this) i was told that a translation had to be certified, sworn too, and attached to what i had given - what i had given was a photocopy of the original, notarized by a lawyer accompanied with another piece of paper of the government of ontario attesting to that lawyer's current status...because the original is not good enough
i could have given the thing in without a translation - and risk getting it rejected and wasting my stepmum's time...but i needed 50 cents to make another photocopy of that photocopy...which i didn't have

i think the full weight of the ridiculousness of all this hit me then

why did i need a photocopy of a photocopy?
when i have the original in my hand?
why is one person's signature worth so much more important than my word?
his education? certification? that his name is in some computer database that somehow makes everything he does "legitimate"?

it took me so long to want to do this
i felt like my step-mom didnt deserve my help
but what is grace?

at that moment i felt and i think i am
just a weak, dumb, and useless child
and i still can't stop crying

i thought of the apostle paul in that prison..broken after speaking to his people - the pharisees - and then rejected by the whole counsel in his opening address..before he gets a chance to share what he has to say
..in his brokenness..."the Lord stood by him"

i couldnt feel God by me..not like i had before... but i knew He was there..that He loved me the same as yesterday when i was happier, the same as He will years down the road and in times past
before i cared who Jesus was and when i would die for Him
His love is the same

still though, that didn't stop me from craving company
i don't know who to call, still...
and i feel that just seeing another christian friend's face would be enough
they wouldn't have to know what my day was like..how stupid and worthless ive been feeling
but just asking for a hug meant i'd be using someone
letting go my ego and sought some help..
but my attempts were fruitless (i did try, a few times too, but it seems i was meant to be alone today)

mostly, i think, all this emotion is because it was my father's affairs, which i thought was done with
and this whole business just reminded me how little i know, how little i can do properly
and how similar this was to how i handled things in vancouver while he was alive and afterwards
i lost a father i loved but barely knew

grief seems the right word..i hadn't quite cried like this in vancouver
tho memories seem to invade my mind from time to time
requiring, demanding really, that i leave them with God

i didn't think i'd write in this blog again
it seemed like a documentation of my years at western - my conversion - slow, and even shameful
but i can't speak right now

i have derived some comfort out of that verse i mentioned..in looking at it now it said - "The following night the Lord stood by him and said, "Take courage, for as you have testified to the facts about me in Jerusalem, so you must testify also in Rome."

why didn't the Lord come the night of? why let paul spend that night losing courage alone? perhaps just for those words the next day..i don't know

i don't want to be a sad christian, it doesn't make sense
but i don't like waiting and feeling useless
self-pity's the worst waste of time - but knowing that doesn't really lift you out of it

i'll let the tears flow and let God heal the wound
and pray for those that may feel a similar pain..
even if i can't talk to them right now

"where You lead me Lord, I will follow"
whether to be crumpled or glorified, i'll go

thanks for reading me by the way
love to you